Learning to let go.

amazing-paths-23

 

 

I believe people come into our lives for a reason, and I have also heard with each relationship there are lessons one can learn.

 

Recently, my beautiful sister-in-law came down for a visit. Memories were shared, tears were shed and laughter mended our souls. A particular topic was brought up and it nearly knocked me off my feet.  The topic was about having a ceremony at a national cemetery for my husband. He had served in the Navy and was honorably discharged. She’d mentioned about letting go of his ashes and letting him rest in peace where a healing could be provided for all of us.

A realization hit me…

Have we truly healed after his passing?

After talking with my middle son I soon understood what she meant. I have clung to so many things of his, almost like he went on a far away trip and I awaited for his return. Now, it’s not easy letting go of someone, let alone a soul mate. But, as I sat and stared at my computer screen, viewing the national cemeteries, I understood what I must do. I knew selfishness was not an answer, and I also knew I wanted everyone to heal the best way possible, and in a sense it felt like a band-aid was ripping off a huge, gigantic wound all over again. I cried as the gracious military burial assistant went over each detail,  I apologized through each sob and tried my best to do what was right.

I cried while I made dinner for the night, fully comprehending what was to come, another memorial. Scheduled in the Spring, his birth month, he will have full honors and a place to be remembered for his virtuous service.  I know in my heart this is the right thing to do. My lesson I have grasped through all this is that you can place a band-aid on anything, but to fully heal one must expose the wound, and treat the heartache, treat the pain openly.

Slowly, I’m learning my own soul is repairable, when I read quotes about how losing someone dear felt as if part of them had died as well. I know that feeling. When he passed part of myself died too. But, with time I know I will become whole again, perhaps this is why my own writing has become such a tender spot for me. I miss him reading each line I wrote, miss him commenting about a scene that was amusing or even crying when a character of mine would experience turmoil.

He was definitely one of a kind and someone I will never forget.

There’s a story within a story I remember writing in the Crescent Bound series, about the Mabon celebration, how the seasons change, how Autumn brings about a new perspective on life.

I’m going to add it here,  and pray there is some type of peace and harmony for us all.

“This story I’m about to tell you may seem sad, but we must not forget the message woven within. This is the time when the warmth of summer days leaves us, and the chill of winter nights welcome us. The seasons change as each takes their time for rest. It is also a time when our goddess leaves to go on her journey to the underworld in search of her lost love. Deep in the sacred woods, she travels many nights before coming to a shore where she makes a bonfire, much like this one.

She dances with the gracefulness of the goddess she is. Her chant fills the lonely evening air and carried away in wisps of the wind. Fast and long she dances. Spinning around her spirit lifts up and soars downward, beginning her journey to the underworld. I will not speak of the horror she came upon, from hideous giants, flesh-eating beasts, to fire-breathing dragons, none were able to block her determined path.

The love she held inside fed her desire and strength to forage onward. Being here time and time again she remembers well what lay in wait. She avoids most of the dangers. After passing safely through a swamp that was infested with blood leeches, she arrives at a cavern. Once inside, she finds a stream flowing within. Her bare feet pad slowly as she walks through the shimmering stream. The goddess follows the waters which appear as liquid gold to her eyes. She arrives at a pool filled with pure golden light, the air around her smells of honeysuckle and she knows in that moment she has found her lost love.

Her love lies in the deepest of sleep, the sleep of death is upon him. She begins to raise her voice in song and wash his body with the waters from the golden pool. Her song echoes all throughout the cavern, ringing true with the power of love, of dancing in a meadow in the spring, of the warmth of the sun, of the smell of sunflowers, and of the feel of cool waters on a hot summer day.  All the things the sun king is able to bring to the earth, if only he lives.

After what seems an eternity, he awakens and looks at her. “My goddess, I have no strength to return in this body. I am not able to survive the journey back to the living. But I can dissolve my body and go back into you as a spark of life. A spark that you can nurture and grow until the time is right to be ordained. With his final breath a burst of white light leaves his body and turns into pure energy and joins with our goddess. The infusion ages her but she carries a new sun within her.

 

Copyright © 2018 by Karli Rush

Advertisements

Happy Birthday, My Love

In-Life-I-Loved-You-In-Death-I-Love-You-Still-Meme-1024x555-1-1024x555

Today the kids and I would’ve baked a cake, wrote notes about how much you mean to us and feel  blessed to have you in our life.

 Or, ordered a batch of Wonton soup and enjoyed each other’s laughter. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time…

We had so many wonderful memories together and that’s exactly what I am trying teach our son. To remember you, to hold onto the love you had for him and for our family. And as part of my steps going forward, I’m still reading Healthy Healing. There’s so much I’m struggling with and through it all I’m trying to find that courage, that get-up-and-go drive. Some days, it’s there pushing me to do what needs to be done and some days, I feel like I truly get what the heck this book means.

Here’s one of the best lines from the book:

“Loss teaches us to appreciate the moment, to love what matters, that life is less about stuff and more about experiences and memories. Loss teaches us that we have a finite amount of time to do all the things we’ve dreamed of doing. We love more deeply, and give more freely. Loss is perhaps the greatest teacher available to humankind, and as the survivor of loss, you too are now enlightened with the gifts of grief. While I wouldn’t wish my pain on my worst enemy, I would wish my perspective of life on the entire world.” Author Michelle Steinke-Baumgard. 

I think the greatest gift was having my husband in my life, he had such a drive for life, to change things, to raise the bar just a little bit higher, always wanting to improve. And he did just that, he touched so many lives and I know he would want his children and I to carry onward loving life the same way he did.

While reading through the chapters, I could not grasp the notion that death, his death- my grief, would ever be seen as a gift.  But now, after reading, after taking some time to really look at it from all the different angles, I get it. Chris would have wanted me to fulfill all my dreams and hopes, he would want me to laugh, to smile, to cherish everything that is in my life. So, I know he’s not here with me to blow out the candles for his birthday, nor is he here to sit across the table and smile while we ate Wonton soup together…

But, he is here in my heart and soul cheering us onward. Happy birthday, My Love!

 

Chris.jpg 2